You touch down on a foreign planet. The people there look like you, have the same biology. They even speak the same language. But as you meet them, observe them, and interact with them, you start to realize you're very different from them.
You exist in a nearly telepathic state. You can feel the emotions of people around you. To some degree, you can tell what they're thinking about, what they want, what they need, what they expect. You sense the goings on around you that are unspoken. You don't speak of your inner world, express your emotions or sympathies. You may be mute, partially or fully. Speaking, finding the words, making eye contact, these are all very powerful and deep interactions that are so emotional to you. You rarely say anything that doesn't have a deep emotional attachment and you're disinterested in the words of others that lack an emotional attachment. You don't feel right making eye contact "just because" and prefer to do so only with people whom you want to be deeply connected on a soul level. If you do force yourself to make eye contact, others may find it unsettling or piercing because your gaze carries a weight with it. You don't just see the mundane visible world. You see a persons spirit, their intentions, their motivations, their feelings. And they sense this.
Some are drawn to you, some are repelled. How this alien world responds to your presence is wildly varied. You scare some of them. Others instantly love you, and you're confused because you can't imagine what you did to earn their love.
They bewilder you. They seem content to prattle on about such mundane topics. They talk about things with no emotional attachment. They seem disconcerted by your ability to rapidly sink into a deep reflective state and "disappear" from the room. Initially, you trust. You take things at face value. You don't realize how easily or often they are deceptive, so you appear to be naïve though you also carry a deep wisdom.
There are things you just know, but you don't realize how unusual this is until it starts to create issues with communication. To others, you're starting halfway through the sentence, halfway through the thought. Your speaking to something you thought was just understood but that they need explained. You in turn are frustrated by the length and amount of speaking they have to do to arrive at the point or question. The amount of unnecessary information, things you already know, baffles you. Do they not realize you know this? Is it not common sense? Does everyone not just become easily aware of these details? No, you find, they don't. And that's where your alien-ness really starts to sink in. You start from a place of knowing things you should not know. You don't realize it because it feels completely natural for you to know. They don't realize this because they don't expect anyone to simply know things, since it's not how they experience life.
You begin to feel disconnected, rejected, alone. Where are the people like you? Are there any? All of these people seem to understand each other. They all seem to be friends, to get along, to mesh. But you don't and you're stuck feeling like you're on the outside looking in. You observe them and you learn to mimic their behavior. You don't want to be alone. You want to be a part of this society, where you find yourself. You grit your teeth and bear the noise, the lights, the social expectations. You feel a heart greeting when you enter a room, your heart says hello to everyone in a quiet way but on top of that you must say it aloud. It feels awkward, extraneous, unnecessary. You feel the presence of others, you feel their welcoming-ness and you send out your own, why does it need to be said in words?
Those words, all the words, they're so tiring. It's so much to keep track of, to remember. This custom and that, this way of saying things, this tone of voice, this smile, that eye contact. Keeping it all in line in your head so you're performing the rituals correctly. Because, that is what it feels like. These empty rituals of greeting and chatting about nothing, asking how someone is but not really wanting an answer. Finding some small thing to discuss that isn't remotely interesting or educational. Speaking for the purpose of speaking, no deeper meaning than that. It's all so exhausting.
You become overwhelmed. These people seem to like for everything to be out on display. Everything said, lit, everything must be so tactile and bombarding. It's true, in this alien society there is such an information overload flooding your eyes, ears and senses. It's overwhelming and you must retreat. So whether you physically remain and retreat internally, or physically leave the space, it's met with "where did you go" "I couldn't find you", "why aren't you participating". They can't understand your need for quiet and solitude. Your need to recharge from their loud, bright, obnoxious world.
Even their sun is just too much. You find respite in cloudy days, in thick fog, in twilight. It sooths your soul when everything is muffled by snow or covered by the white noise and appearance of rain. The world is softer and more manageable in those moments.
Then there is the overload of interaction. The phone calls, the knocks on the door, the passersby wanting eye contact, the person next to you wanting to engage in conversation. People seem to constantly be demanding your attention. Even when you're quiet and avoiding eye contact you can feel it. You can feel when someone looks at you, when they want your attention. You may avoid it to conserve your energy but then feel guilty for not participating.
You look at the place in which you find yourself, and know that you just don't fit here. None of what comes natural for them is natural to you. The comfort they receive from that interaction stands in stark contrast to the stress that it brings you. You see them able to overlook the injustices between, them, ignore the homeless in the streets, allow other members of their society to be cruel and unkind. And you can't fathom it. You feel it all, it all hurts you, it cuts you to your core.
This society feels so alien. It makes you feel alien. You wonder if you'll ever find your home.
