The Alien Society

You touch down on a foreign planet.  The people there look like you, have the same biology.  They even speak the same language.  But as you meet them, observe them, and interact with them, you start to realize you're very different from them.

You exist in a nearly telepathic state.  You can feel the emotions of people around you.  To some degree, you can tell what they're thinking about, what they want, what they need, what they expect.  You sense the goings on around you that are unspoken.  You don't speak of your inner world, express your emotions or sympathies.  You may be mute, partially or fully.  Speaking, finding the words, making eye contact, these are all very powerful and deep interactions that are so emotional to you.  You rarely say anything that doesn't have a deep emotional attachment and you're disinterested in the words of others that lack an emotional attachment.  You don't feel right making eye contact "just because" and prefer to do so only with people whom you want to be deeply connected on a soul level.  If you do force yourself to make eye contact, others may find it unsettling or piercing because your gaze carries a weight with it.  You don't just see the mundane visible world.  You see a persons spirit, their intentions, their motivations, their feelings.  And they sense this.

Some are drawn to you, some are repelled.  How this alien world responds to your presence is wildly varied.  You scare some of them.  Others instantly love you, and you're confused because you can't imagine what you did to earn their love.

They bewilder you.  They seem content to prattle on about such mundane topics.  They talk about things with no emotional attachment.  They seem disconcerted by your ability to rapidly sink into a deep reflective state and "disappear" from the room.  Initially, you trust.  You take things at face value.  You don't realize how easily or often they are deceptive, so you appear to be naïve though you also carry a deep wisdom.

There are things you just know, but you don't realize how unusual this is until it starts to create issues with communication.  To others, you're starting halfway through the sentence, halfway through the thought.  Your speaking to something you thought was just understood but that they need explained.  You in turn are frustrated by the length and amount of speaking they have to do to arrive at the point or question.  The amount of unnecessary information, things you already know, baffles you.  Do they not realize you know this? Is it not common sense?  Does everyone not just become easily aware of these details?  No, you find, they don't.  And that's where your alien-ness really starts to sink in.  You start from a place of knowing things you should not know.  You don't realize it because it feels completely natural for you to know.  They don't realize this because they don't expect anyone to simply know things, since it's not how they experience life.

You begin to feel disconnected, rejected, alone.  Where are the people like you?  Are there any?  All of these people seem to understand each other.  They all seem to be friends, to get along, to mesh.  But you don't and you're stuck feeling like you're on the outside looking in.  You observe them and you learn to mimic their behavior.  You don't want to be alone.  You want to be a part of this society, where you find yourself.   You grit your teeth and bear the noise, the lights, the social expectations.  You feel a heart greeting when you enter a room, your heart says hello to everyone in a quiet way but on top of that you must say it aloud.  It feels awkward, extraneous, unnecessary.  You feel the presence of others, you feel their welcoming-ness and you send out your own, why does it need to be said in words?

Those words, all the words, they're so tiring.  It's so much to keep track of, to remember.  This custom and that, this way of saying things, this tone of voice, this smile, that eye contact.  Keeping it all in line in your head so you're performing the rituals correctly.  Because, that is what it feels like.  These empty rituals of greeting and chatting about nothing, asking how someone is but not really wanting an answer.  Finding some small thing to discuss that isn't remotely interesting or educational.  Speaking for the purpose of speaking, no deeper meaning than that.  It's all so exhausting.

You become overwhelmed.  These people seem to like for everything to be out on display.  Everything said, lit, everything must be so tactile and bombarding.  It's true, in this alien society there is such an information overload flooding your eyes, ears and senses.  It's overwhelming and you must retreat.  So whether you physically remain and retreat internally, or physically leave the space, it's met with "where did you go" "I couldn't find you", "why aren't you participating".  They can't understand your need for quiet and solitude.  Your need to recharge from their loud, bright, obnoxious world.

Even their sun is just too much.  You find respite in cloudy days, in thick fog, in twilight.  It sooths your soul when everything is muffled by snow or covered by the white noise and appearance of rain.  The world is softer and more manageable in those moments.

Then there is the overload of interaction.  The phone calls, the knocks on the door, the passersby wanting eye contact, the person next to you wanting to engage in conversation.  People seem to constantly be demanding your attention.  Even when you're quiet and avoiding eye contact you can feel it.  You can feel when someone looks at you, when they want your attention.  You may avoid it to conserve your energy but then feel guilty for not participating.

You look at the place in which you find yourself, and know that you just don't fit here.  None of what comes natural for them is natural to you.  The comfort they receive from that interaction stands in stark contrast to the stress that it brings you.  You see them able to overlook the injustices between, them, ignore the homeless in the streets, allow other members of their society to be cruel and unkind.  And you can't fathom it.  You feel it all, it all hurts you, it cuts you to your core.

This society feels so alien.  It makes you feel alien.  You wonder if you'll ever find your home.

Let's Talk RSD

All of my life, I have had this intense reaction to even the smallest of slights.  Logically I realize that it's nothing, that a slight change in tone of voice or facial expression doesn't mean someone now hates me.  It's natural variation people go through....but I feel the rejection nonetheless. 

It happens with every person I know, it happens every single day.  Even reading someone disparaging not me but someone like me can cause me to experience rejection.  The reaction to it that happens in my brain is crushing.  If someone takes too long to respond to a text it causes me panic, even if the text was as a simple conversational thing, not an emotionally driven statement.  It's just as strong whether I say "I like cheese" or "I love you".  

Everyone feels rejection sometimes, but it's usually when rejection is actually happening.  It's normal to feel rejection when someone declines a date.  What is out of the ordinary in RSD is that we can feel rejection over absolutely anything, including statements or actions not meant as rejection, and then our minds react very strongly to it.  Another example would be if your partner is the first to let go when you're holding hands.  I have genuinely felt like he didn't care about me any more in those moments.  It passes, it's a temporary feeling, but over the years it can leave a person feeling like no one actually cares about them.  That they aren't loved.  It feels impossible to receive love, and it gets especially dysphoric in relationships when it starts out with so much excitement, you both want to see each other all the time, they're constantly touching and hugging you, holding your hand, hanging on your every word and agreeing with everything you say.  It makes you feel like you have finally found the right person because, for once, you don't feel constant rejection.

But it's like a siren's song calling you to the rocks.  Because you fall for this person, you genuinely fall deeply in love with them................and time passes.  They agree with you less, they touch you less, the smile less, they talk more about the stresses of their daily life, they talk more about how the two of you are different than how you're the same.  They're tired, they're anxious, and now you can actually see it because you're part of their every day - you're no longer a special occasion that helps them forget all that stuff.  And ever single tiny little thing is a micro rejection that leaves you feeling like they no longer care.

You tell yourself this is irrational.  They still say they love you, they still act like they love you, they're making plans for the future with you.  But in the back of your head, every tiny little thing like when they break eye contact, when they slightly turn away, when they walk to another room, when they say they prefer orange when you prefer blue, that they like rock but you like country, all these silly little things that are absolutely not rejections in any way, and do not mean they have stopped caring about you.... well your brain decides that is exactly what those things mean. 

So you spend the rest of the relationship in this constant struggle.  When they shine their light on you, you feel euphoric, the love is back, you're not feeling that constant rejection until three seconds later they're scrolling through their phone and you feel inexplicably alone.  It continues until one day you just cannot take it anymore.  It is possible that to them, nothing has changed.... but you've been fighting a silent battle for months or even years.  You've not said anything because having RSD makes it far more difficult to face bigger, genuine rejection.  You might tell them it feels like they don't love you anymore and they might actually confirm it.... and as bad as those smaller rejections feel, a big rejection like that would just break you.... or so it feels.  So you avoid it.  You say nothing in hopes that the love will shine on again and tell you it's all going to be ok.  And it never is.  It's always fleeting because that is how your brain is built.

I don't mean for this to be the terribly bleak post that it is turning out to be.... this is more an explanation of how it feels to have RSD.  This doesn't just occur with significant others.  It's everyone in your life, from your family to your boss to your friends.  It can be a random person on the street who just doesn't respond to something as you expect and you feel shame because clearly you're not a significant enough person to even warrant a response.

Having RSD is so incredibly lonely.  It makes it difficult to trust anyone, to be willing to engage in relationships or friendships at all.  A person can even begin to reject everyone else before those people have a chance to make them feel rejected.

And I know, I think many of us know, that us feeling rejected isn't the other person's fault.  It's just our brain, the other person is just being human and living their life, it's how we react to it that causes us pain.

In my case, I'm slowly learning that in order to be happy, I need to live alone.  I need to either be in no relationships or enough of them that the perceived rejection of a single person does not affect me so deeply.

I know it's frustrating for the significant other or friend as well.  They say or do something not intended to harm, it's neutral, and they see this person they care about crumple from the feelings of rejection and hurt.  It makes them feel like all they do is hurt the person when they never intend to do so.  For me, I honestly want to stop subjecting others to feeling like they've harmed me when they have genuinely done nothing wrong.  That's just my choice, it's not the right choice for everyone and I don't mean this in any way to be instructive or judgmental.  I just wanted to share my experience and my thoughts.  You may see RSD in yourself or someone you care about, and I hope at least that this illuminates what is going on.