All of my life, I have had this intense reaction to even the smallest of slights. Logically I realize that it's nothing, that a slight change in tone of voice or facial expression doesn't mean someone now hates me. It's natural variation people go through....but I feel the rejection nonetheless.
It happens with every person I know, it happens every single day. Even reading someone disparaging not me but someone like me can cause me to experience rejection. The reaction to it that happens in my brain is crushing. If someone takes too long to respond to a text it causes me panic, even if the text was as a simple conversational thing, not an emotionally driven statement. It's just as strong whether I say "I like cheese" or "I love you".
Everyone feels rejection sometimes, but it's usually when rejection is actually happening. It's normal to feel rejection when someone declines a date. What is out of the ordinary in RSD is that we can feel rejection over absolutely anything, including statements or actions not meant as rejection, and then our minds react very strongly to it. Another example would be if your partner is the first to let go when you're holding hands. I have genuinely felt like he didn't care about me any more in those moments. It passes, it's a temporary feeling, but over the years it can leave a person feeling like no one actually cares about them. That they aren't loved. It feels impossible to receive love, and it gets especially dysphoric in relationships when it starts out with so much excitement, you both want to see each other all the time, they're constantly touching and hugging you, holding your hand, hanging on your every word and agreeing with everything you say. It makes you feel like you have finally found the right person because, for once, you don't feel constant rejection.
But it's like a siren's song calling you to the rocks. Because you fall for this person, you genuinely fall deeply in love with them................and time passes. They agree with you less, they touch you less, the smile less, they talk more about the stresses of their daily life, they talk more about how the two of you are different than how you're the same. They're tired, they're anxious, and now you can actually see it because you're part of their every day - you're no longer a special occasion that helps them forget all that stuff. And ever single tiny little thing is a micro rejection that leaves you feeling like they no longer care.
You tell yourself this is irrational. They still say they love you, they still act like they love you, they're making plans for the future with you. But in the back of your head, every tiny little thing like when they break eye contact, when they slightly turn away, when they walk to another room, when they say they prefer orange when you prefer blue, that they like rock but you like country, all these silly little things that are absolutely not rejections in any way, and do not mean they have stopped caring about you.... well your brain decides that is exactly what those things mean.
So you spend the rest of the relationship in this constant struggle. When they shine their light on you, you feel euphoric, the love is back, you're not feeling that constant rejection until three seconds later they're scrolling through their phone and you feel inexplicably alone. It continues until one day you just cannot take it anymore. It is possible that to them, nothing has changed.... but you've been fighting a silent battle for months or even years. You've not said anything because having RSD makes it far more difficult to face bigger, genuine rejection. You might tell them it feels like they don't love you anymore and they might actually confirm it.... and as bad as those smaller rejections feel, a big rejection like that would just break you.... or so it feels. So you avoid it. You say nothing in hopes that the love will shine on again and tell you it's all going to be ok. And it never is. It's always fleeting because that is how your brain is built.
I don't mean for this to be the terribly bleak post that it is turning out to be.... this is more an explanation of how it feels to have RSD. This doesn't just occur with significant others. It's everyone in your life, from your family to your boss to your friends. It can be a random person on the street who just doesn't respond to something as you expect and you feel shame because clearly you're not a significant enough person to even warrant a response.
Having RSD is so incredibly lonely. It makes it difficult to trust anyone, to be willing to engage in relationships or friendships at all. A person can even begin to reject everyone else before those people have a chance to make them feel rejected.
And I know, I think many of us know, that us feeling rejected isn't the other person's fault. It's just our brain, the other person is just being human and living their life, it's how we react to it that causes us pain.
In my case, I'm slowly learning that in order to be happy, I need to live alone. I need to either be in no relationships or enough of them that the perceived rejection of a single person does not affect me so deeply.
I know it's frustrating for the significant other or friend as well. They say or do something not intended to harm, it's neutral, and they see this person they care about crumple from the feelings of rejection and hurt. It makes them feel like all they do is hurt the person when they never intend to do so. For me, I honestly want to stop subjecting others to feeling like they've harmed me when they have genuinely done nothing wrong. That's just my choice, it's not the right choice for everyone and I don't mean this in any way to be instructive or judgmental. I just wanted to share my experience and my thoughts. You may see RSD in yourself or someone you care about, and I hope at least that this illuminates what is going on.
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