The Alien Society

You touch down on a foreign planet.  The people there look like you, have the same biology.  They even speak the same language.  But as you meet them, observe them, and interact with them, you start to realize you're very different from them.

You exist in a nearly telepathic state.  You can feel the emotions of people around you.  To some degree, you can tell what they're thinking about, what they want, what they need, what they expect.  You sense the goings on around you that are unspoken.  You don't speak of your inner world, express your emotions or sympathies.  You may be mute, partially or fully.  Speaking, finding the words, making eye contact, these are all very powerful and deep interactions that are so emotional to you.  You rarely say anything that doesn't have a deep emotional attachment and you're disinterested in the words of others that lack an emotional attachment.  You don't feel right making eye contact "just because" and prefer to do so only with people whom you want to be deeply connected on a soul level.  If you do force yourself to make eye contact, others may find it unsettling or piercing because your gaze carries a weight with it.  You don't just see the mundane visible world.  You see a persons spirit, their intentions, their motivations, their feelings.  And they sense this.

Some are drawn to you, some are repelled.  How this alien world responds to your presence is wildly varied.  You scare some of them.  Others instantly love you, and you're confused because you can't imagine what you did to earn their love.

They bewilder you.  They seem content to prattle on about such mundane topics.  They talk about things with no emotional attachment.  They seem disconcerted by your ability to rapidly sink into a deep reflective state and "disappear" from the room.  Initially, you trust.  You take things at face value.  You don't realize how easily or often they are deceptive, so you appear to be naïve though you also carry a deep wisdom.

There are things you just know, but you don't realize how unusual this is until it starts to create issues with communication.  To others, you're starting halfway through the sentence, halfway through the thought.  Your speaking to something you thought was just understood but that they need explained.  You in turn are frustrated by the length and amount of speaking they have to do to arrive at the point or question.  The amount of unnecessary information, things you already know, baffles you.  Do they not realize you know this? Is it not common sense?  Does everyone not just become easily aware of these details?  No, you find, they don't.  And that's where your alien-ness really starts to sink in.  You start from a place of knowing things you should not know.  You don't realize it because it feels completely natural for you to know.  They don't realize this because they don't expect anyone to simply know things, since it's not how they experience life.

You begin to feel disconnected, rejected, alone.  Where are the people like you?  Are there any?  All of these people seem to understand each other.  They all seem to be friends, to get along, to mesh.  But you don't and you're stuck feeling like you're on the outside looking in.  You observe them and you learn to mimic their behavior.  You don't want to be alone.  You want to be a part of this society, where you find yourself.   You grit your teeth and bear the noise, the lights, the social expectations.  You feel a heart greeting when you enter a room, your heart says hello to everyone in a quiet way but on top of that you must say it aloud.  It feels awkward, extraneous, unnecessary.  You feel the presence of others, you feel their welcoming-ness and you send out your own, why does it need to be said in words?

Those words, all the words, they're so tiring.  It's so much to keep track of, to remember.  This custom and that, this way of saying things, this tone of voice, this smile, that eye contact.  Keeping it all in line in your head so you're performing the rituals correctly.  Because, that is what it feels like.  These empty rituals of greeting and chatting about nothing, asking how someone is but not really wanting an answer.  Finding some small thing to discuss that isn't remotely interesting or educational.  Speaking for the purpose of speaking, no deeper meaning than that.  It's all so exhausting.

You become overwhelmed.  These people seem to like for everything to be out on display.  Everything said, lit, everything must be so tactile and bombarding.  It's true, in this alien society there is such an information overload flooding your eyes, ears and senses.  It's overwhelming and you must retreat.  So whether you physically remain and retreat internally, or physically leave the space, it's met with "where did you go" "I couldn't find you", "why aren't you participating".  They can't understand your need for quiet and solitude.  Your need to recharge from their loud, bright, obnoxious world.

Even their sun is just too much.  You find respite in cloudy days, in thick fog, in twilight.  It sooths your soul when everything is muffled by snow or covered by the white noise and appearance of rain.  The world is softer and more manageable in those moments.

Then there is the overload of interaction.  The phone calls, the knocks on the door, the passersby wanting eye contact, the person next to you wanting to engage in conversation.  People seem to constantly be demanding your attention.  Even when you're quiet and avoiding eye contact you can feel it.  You can feel when someone looks at you, when they want your attention.  You may avoid it to conserve your energy but then feel guilty for not participating.

You look at the place in which you find yourself, and know that you just don't fit here.  None of what comes natural for them is natural to you.  The comfort they receive from that interaction stands in stark contrast to the stress that it brings you.  You see them able to overlook the injustices between, them, ignore the homeless in the streets, allow other members of their society to be cruel and unkind.  And you can't fathom it.  You feel it all, it all hurts you, it cuts you to your core.

This society feels so alien.  It makes you feel alien.  You wonder if you'll ever find your home.

Let's Talk RSD

All of my life, I have had this intense reaction to even the smallest of slights.  Logically I realize that it's nothing, that a slight change in tone of voice or facial expression doesn't mean someone now hates me.  It's natural variation people go through....but I feel the rejection nonetheless. 

It happens with every person I know, it happens every single day.  Even reading someone disparaging not me but someone like me can cause me to experience rejection.  The reaction to it that happens in my brain is crushing.  If someone takes too long to respond to a text it causes me panic, even if the text was as a simple conversational thing, not an emotionally driven statement.  It's just as strong whether I say "I like cheese" or "I love you".  

Everyone feels rejection sometimes, but it's usually when rejection is actually happening.  It's normal to feel rejection when someone declines a date.  What is out of the ordinary in RSD is that we can feel rejection over absolutely anything, including statements or actions not meant as rejection, and then our minds react very strongly to it.  Another example would be if your partner is the first to let go when you're holding hands.  I have genuinely felt like he didn't care about me any more in those moments.  It passes, it's a temporary feeling, but over the years it can leave a person feeling like no one actually cares about them.  That they aren't loved.  It feels impossible to receive love, and it gets especially dysphoric in relationships when it starts out with so much excitement, you both want to see each other all the time, they're constantly touching and hugging you, holding your hand, hanging on your every word and agreeing with everything you say.  It makes you feel like you have finally found the right person because, for once, you don't feel constant rejection.

But it's like a siren's song calling you to the rocks.  Because you fall for this person, you genuinely fall deeply in love with them................and time passes.  They agree with you less, they touch you less, the smile less, they talk more about the stresses of their daily life, they talk more about how the two of you are different than how you're the same.  They're tired, they're anxious, and now you can actually see it because you're part of their every day - you're no longer a special occasion that helps them forget all that stuff.  And ever single tiny little thing is a micro rejection that leaves you feeling like they no longer care.

You tell yourself this is irrational.  They still say they love you, they still act like they love you, they're making plans for the future with you.  But in the back of your head, every tiny little thing like when they break eye contact, when they slightly turn away, when they walk to another room, when they say they prefer orange when you prefer blue, that they like rock but you like country, all these silly little things that are absolutely not rejections in any way, and do not mean they have stopped caring about you.... well your brain decides that is exactly what those things mean. 

So you spend the rest of the relationship in this constant struggle.  When they shine their light on you, you feel euphoric, the love is back, you're not feeling that constant rejection until three seconds later they're scrolling through their phone and you feel inexplicably alone.  It continues until one day you just cannot take it anymore.  It is possible that to them, nothing has changed.... but you've been fighting a silent battle for months or even years.  You've not said anything because having RSD makes it far more difficult to face bigger, genuine rejection.  You might tell them it feels like they don't love you anymore and they might actually confirm it.... and as bad as those smaller rejections feel, a big rejection like that would just break you.... or so it feels.  So you avoid it.  You say nothing in hopes that the love will shine on again and tell you it's all going to be ok.  And it never is.  It's always fleeting because that is how your brain is built.

I don't mean for this to be the terribly bleak post that it is turning out to be.... this is more an explanation of how it feels to have RSD.  This doesn't just occur with significant others.  It's everyone in your life, from your family to your boss to your friends.  It can be a random person on the street who just doesn't respond to something as you expect and you feel shame because clearly you're not a significant enough person to even warrant a response.

Having RSD is so incredibly lonely.  It makes it difficult to trust anyone, to be willing to engage in relationships or friendships at all.  A person can even begin to reject everyone else before those people have a chance to make them feel rejected.

And I know, I think many of us know, that us feeling rejected isn't the other person's fault.  It's just our brain, the other person is just being human and living their life, it's how we react to it that causes us pain.

In my case, I'm slowly learning that in order to be happy, I need to live alone.  I need to either be in no relationships or enough of them that the perceived rejection of a single person does not affect me so deeply.

I know it's frustrating for the significant other or friend as well.  They say or do something not intended to harm, it's neutral, and they see this person they care about crumple from the feelings of rejection and hurt.  It makes them feel like all they do is hurt the person when they never intend to do so.  For me, I honestly want to stop subjecting others to feeling like they've harmed me when they have genuinely done nothing wrong.  That's just my choice, it's not the right choice for everyone and I don't mean this in any way to be instructive or judgmental.  I just wanted to share my experience and my thoughts.  You may see RSD in yourself or someone you care about, and I hope at least that this illuminates what is going on.

It's Ok, I Get Why You Struggle With Hygiene

This is an intensely sensitive subject for so many of us.  Society gives the message, directly and indirectly, that something is wrong with people who don't brush their teeth, floss, brush their hair, bathe regularly, shave their bodies (female), shave their facial hair (male), or in general keep their appearance tidy and clean.

It causes a vast amount of shame for those of us who find these tasks intensely difficult.

There are lots of reasons why an autistic person (or someone with sensory issues) may find these tasks nearly impossible.

As a child, brushing my hair was a nightmare for all involved.  My mom insisted it be long (past the middle of my back) and, frankly, she was rough with pulling at tangles.  But I couldn't even manage to brush my own hair because the sensation of it was like nails on a chalkboard.  It was painful and grating on my nervous system.  I liked it when my hair was brushed, I preferred it brushed, but I could not handle the feeling of it being brushed.  I was seen as lazy and slovenly because of this.  And I'll just say it.  It's unfair for a child to be treated as a lazy person or a bad person because they don't want to or can't do something that causes them so much pain.  I begged to have my hair shorter. I was denied because she likes long hair.  So.... I was the kid whose hair was never brushed and was always tangled.  I went to school that way for years.  It was embarrassing and emotionally difficult but that pain was less than the pain of brushing my hair.  Please let that sink in for a moment.  The pain of being mocked, rejected and punished was less than the pain of just fixing the problem and brushing my hair.

Does that sound lazy to you?

As an adult, I keep my hair short. I like it to be about to my shoulders, any longer than that and it begins to tangle easily and it makes brushing an issue again.  Any longer than that and it becomes difficult to wash.  Difficult to dry.  So as an adult I've managed to solve the issue by keeping my hair at a manageable length for myself.  It's really a simple solution, but one I was denied as a child.  Because I keep it short, I have no problem washing and brushing it every day.

For many, bathing is an issue because the sensation of getting wet, or leaving the bath or shower into the air while being wet, is unbearable.  We have to psych ourselves up to dealing with it.  There are sensory issues while in the shower or bath too.   The feel of most washing implements is not pleasant on our skin, the feel of the water can be an issue for many.  For some, having just the right temperature is absolutely required and that can be difficult to achieve and maintain.  Then there is the feeling of dressing and undressing, having wet hair.  There can be interplay with PDA (pathological demand avoidance) where doing something we know is expected of us or that someone will notice that we have done it makes it extremely difficult to do it, as our brain automatically fights things like that.

I don't bathe often.  It's weird to publicly admit that but I don't think we should have to be ashamed of it or hide it.  What is a refreshing and comforting experience for most people is a nightmare for us.  It's painful, miserable or intensely uncomfortable.  We have to think about it and literally psych ourselves up over hours or even days to convince ourselves to do it at all. What seems so simple and natural to most people is like going into battle for us.

So I bathe about once a week.  I personally cannot stand the feeling of going from dry to wet and wet to dry.  I struggle with the water temperature but otherwise I enjoy it once I'm in.  I can't stand the feeling of my hair being wet but I combat that with keeping my head wrapped until it's mostly dry.   I don't shave at all, the sensation of it is horrible and I have the clumsiness and motor skill issues some autistics have, so I've cut myself more times than I can count.  In between baths I try to maintain with wet wipes as best I can.  And yeah, I worry about smelling every single day.  It bothers me, I don't want it to be this way, it makes me uncomfortable and embarrassed and incredibly ashamed.  

I was mocked for it in school.  I still feel the sting of some things that were said about me decades ago.  If I could have changed it I would have, that is just how difficult it is.

And then there's the teeth.  Toothpaste and mouthwash are both way too strong that they make my tongue feel like it is literally on fire.  Imagine your entire body being crawled on and bit by ants.  That's how my tongue feels.  It is torture.  As a kid when I tried to express this to my mother she said I was being a baby and basically told me to suck it up.  She was not willing to buy children's toothpaste for me, which is mild and does not have that sting.  So I did not brush my teeth.  In addition, the sensation of the brush against my teeth is very much like brushing my hair - so uncomfortable that I cannot tolerate it.  It is genuinely less painful to have a tooth pulled than to do the every day hygiene - and yeah I have had several pulled.  My teeth are not in good shape, I can't stand going to the dentist because the scraping and grinding sends me into a panic attack.  One day I'll have dentures because of this, I'm not looking forward to it but at the same time, not being able to feel something touching my tooth all the way into my bones and my soul will probably be a nice respite from a lifetime of discomfort.

So I hope if you are autistic, that this has helped you feel like you are not alone in any hygiene issues you have.  I get it, there are many of us, and we feel the same way.  It's ok.  It's not your fault. Your brain just was not built to tolerate these sensations so find whatever solutions do work for you and don't feel ashamed or guilty.  You're doing the best you can with what you have to work with, and that's the only thing anyone could fairly ask of you.

And remember.  Those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, don't matter.

Let's Talk About Food (Sensitivities)

I have a love/hate relationship with food.  It's been a lifelong struggle with me and is probably the most obvious and most commented on of my sensory issues.

As a child, I would try a food and if the texture wasn't just right, it would gross me out.  The most glaring issue I had was with meat.  I liked process meats more than other kinds of meat because they're somewhat homogenized.  But even with processed meat I would encounter gristle or weird textures, and that would make me gag.  Once that happens, I would completely lose my appetite. At that point even eating something I like and that I know is good and has a nice texture would still leave me feeling sick and my stomach would be very unsettled, making me feel like I may vomit at any moment.  The worst offender for me was ground beef - because crumbled up in a dish like spaghetti or hamburger helper, it all felt like gristle.  I tried, I really did.  I wanted to eat the pasta part of spaghetti but I couldn't pick out all the meat and I'd just end up gagging at some point and feeling unable to continue eating anything for a while.  I have always loved canned spaghetti pasta that has no meat,  but couldn't stand real spaghetti because of the association with ground beef and crumbled sausage that has made it so any thin pasta is off-putting to me.

I also had issues with chicken nuggets because I'd occasionally hit gristle in there, and for whole chicken I could eat just the outer-most part of the drumstick, and the breast, but wouldn't fully pick all the meat off of the pieces because the deeper it went the more likely I was to get a weird texture.  I got a lot of flack for that and I was called wasteful an awful lot as a kid.

My issues with not being able to eat so many of the dinners prepared at home and some of the ones prepared at school lead to me overeating dramatically when I was able to get a meal I actually enjoyed.  If there was pizza with no gross toppings, I ate every bit I could get my hands on.  Same with mashed potatoes, sandwiches, any potato except sweet potatoes (pureed is ok but not if those strings are in there).  There were a lot of fruits and vegetables I couldn't bring myself to eat as well.  While I could have banana I'd obsessively pick every string off of it because those grossed me out and i often left the very end in the banana because I do not like eating the stem connection points of any fruit or vegetable.  Even that tiny dot at the bottom of a cherry tomato is not allowed.

As a kid I could not get anyone to understand these issues.  I was mocked and belittled for being so picky.  It's like you're stuck between two strong opposing forces - on one hand your brain and body react violently to the food but on the other hand you have an authoritarian presence you are afraid of telling you that you must eat it.  It felt impossible, and I learned to just pick at what I could, wait for meals I did like or sneak food when my family was asleep or at work.

To this day, these issues will end my meal if they arise.  If there is sand in a seafood dish, egg shell in an egg dish, gristle or fat in any kind of meat, bones in any kind of meat except sardines and salmon where they are softened, a smooth, soft or creamy food with any kind of crunch, like celery in tuna salad, crunchy onions in anything, mystery items or ingredients I can't identify, the food is poky or stabby in my mouth - for example I can't eat the really spiky spring mix lettuce or the baby spinach that has those long stems.  I can't eat the stalks of any lettuce, so for me to eat romaine, which I really like, I have to slice out the stem then chop up the leafy parts.  I don't like overly chewy foods, I absolutely cannot do bubble tea, and any food that is just a mix of stuff with tomato sauce is an absolute no-go.  I detest lima beans for their pasty, gritty texture, I hate pineapple or anything with a pulpy texture.   Basically, any food that has mixed textures is probably going to be a problem for me with the glaring exception of putting potato chips in a sandwich, which I love because it covers up any gross texture in the meat.  Apparently I like the crunch of chips that much.

This is an area where I would advise parents to be sensitive to your child's food sensitivities.  I know the focus is on your child having a broad diet and good nutrition, but forcing them to eat foods that make them genuinely feel sick can cause them harm.  It can contribute to dysfunctional eating habits and to emotional disturbances.

There are so many different ways to prepare foods that it is possible to find a way to get them the nutrition they need while also giving them the texture they need.  An excellent example of this is I am ok with drinking smoothies containing vegetables I absolutely will not touch if they are not pureed.  A protein shake is very welcome, while meat itself is not.  Simple foods that aren't mixed are great, for example when I might have refused a vegetable filled casserole, I'd gladly eat raw veggies with ranch dip.  Let your kids cue you in to what works for them and you can find solutions that work for both of you.  In the long run, it makes things easier and happier.

Autism Self Diagnosis

For the most part, the autism community is very accepting of self diagnosis.  This is a good thing, when the path to clinical diagnosis can be very difficult.  For those who are past childhood, some psychiatrists are resistant to diagnose autism at all, saying the person is past the age where there is any benefit to it.  Then there are those professionals who still consider autism to be specific to the male population.  And of course, then there are those who don't recognize masking or understand just how skilled at masking we can become.

Even when one finds a professional who is willing to consider the idea and understands all of the above, the process can be time consuming and very expensive.  It often is not covered by insurance making the thousands of dollars an out of pocket cost that few can afford.

Then there are the barriers of simply being autistic to begin with.  It can be challenging to seek professional diagnosis just because making phone calls, driving, and leaving the home are intensely stressful to begin with.   Having to face a professional and discuss your whole life, knowing they could decide you're not autistic or not autistic enough to warrant a diagnosis in and of itself is extremely difficult.  For many of us our familial ties are strained.  Our families may not believe there is a possibility we're autistic.  They may not want to be involved, they may lie to make themselves look good - yet they're expected to be involved in the process in many cases.

All of these factors make it daunting to seek diagnosis, especially if one is not immediately in need of assistance that may (or may not) come with a formal diagnosis.  For those of us who aren't in need of assistance, why would we expend the time and energy, the money and hardship, for that little confirming statement that we were right about ourselves?

Even when we have received a clinical diagnosis, our friends and family, even employers, may still not believe or accommodate us.  They may deny it, say we lied to get our diagnosis.  They may say it doesn't matter that we're diagnosed because we're the same person.  We may even doubt ourselves despite the formal diagnosis.  Yes, even after having been clinically diagnosed, we may still doubt that we are truly autistic.  We may feel we don't deserve the life altering explanation for who we are and have been.  We habitually feel not good enough or like we've achieved anything despite our lack of merit.

Self diagnosis and the acceptance of it is extremely important in the ASD community.  It is important we welcome those who have self diagnosed and reassure them.  It can be extremely harmful to reject those who have self diagnosed.  For one, autistics have been on the outside of a seemingly exclusive club all of their lives.  For them to finally, finally! have found a place where they genuinely seem to fit, and be rejected and excluded there too, would be devastating.  Autistic people are already at an increased risk of suicide, and the last thing we want is to tell someone they don't belong in the ASD community and have that lead to them taking their own life. 

 I think that compassion is more important than some sort of purity in the community and I'm so grateful that the vast majority of autistic people agree with this.  I myself am self diagnosed and at this time I do not plan to seek a formal diagnosis for many of the factors I've mentioned.  

I am deeply grateful to the ASD community for welcoming me with open arms.  It is a new feeling for me.  I have always felt like the person on the outside looking in, and at least now I know I'm not the only one on the outside of the glass.

We ARE Empathetic... We Just Don't Show Sympathy

There is a myth that autistic people are not empathetic.  It is a common belief within the psychiatric community, such that some people seeking their diagnosis are told they can't be autistic because they display empathy.

It's a dangerous assumption to say that autistic people are not empathetic.  For some people it would lump us in with psychopathy or sociopathy which can occur along with autism but is not a feature of autism or a comorbidity.  And, it can give autistic people an even more negative view of themselves than we already tend to have.

We are empathetic.  Many of us have to avoid watching the news, because we so deeply feel the problems of the world that it can send us into a meltdown or shut down.  For many of us, the issue is that we feel too much.  We feel it all, and it overwhelms us.  We are considerably more sensitive to the feelings of others as well as our own emotions.  It is common for an autistic person to cope with this from an early age by avoiding and locking away this part of themselves as much as possible.  We bury those feelings so deep that we sometimes don't even know what we're feeling, we just know we feel bad.

We feel it truly and deeply when someone is hurting, or struggling.  Much of the time we can sense it before we're even told - as we tend to be able to see the truth of other people even when it is hidden.  We're excellent at spotting liars for that reason.  (but we give everyone the benefit of the doubt anyway)  We genuinely want to help.  What we don't do however, is display sympathy.  We often feel extremely awkward in these situations because any type of social interaction is difficult for us and we each have a history of experiencing rebuttal and rejection for our lack of social skills and it leads us to overthink and question ourselves, especially in more difficult, emotional charged situations.  We end to freeze up and not know what to do, we fear doing or saying the wrong thing because we have done it so many times before.

So while we seem to be sitting there silently, saying nothing about the fact that your loved one just died our that you've fallen ill, we are radiating love and care your way.  We just don't say it aloud. We don't know how.

Those of us who mask, may have better abilities with this because we have been studying what other people do in these situations for so long.  Yet, when we say the words we know we are supposed to say, it feels hollow and empty.  It doesn't feel like enough.  There's a novel worth of words in our hearts, so much we want to say but we have learned that kind of gushing outpour of emotion is rarely welcome. Even if we were to say it, we'd then question if it was too much, not enough, if it is pale in comparison to the emotions, if it sounded patronizing. And that stops us again, from saying it, because we've worked out all the possibilities and we know that if we say the wrong thing we can cause an already hurting person to feel even worse - and because of how empathetic we truly are - that is the absolute last thing we'd ever want to cause.  We absolutely detest the notion of causing or adding to pain.  We know pain.  We feel ours intensely.  We feel yours.  We want to see less of it in the world and its a large part of the reason we struggle to lie or be deceitful, except where we've learned to do it as part of masking.  It's just not true to our hearts.

Now for the irony of all of this - when we see an allistic person expressing sympathy to others, we can tell when it isn't sincere.  When they're going through the motions because they're supposed to, because that's what you do.  On the surface, to everyone else, that person may seem sympathetic or empathetic but we know that they're just saying it...they don't truly feel it.  And that's not in every case, but it is common and I think many people know this about themselves even if they don't admit to it.  It's not to say that a person who sometimes expresses false sympathy is never empathetic, just that it does happen in many people, pretty often.  We autistics struggle to do anything that is "just going through the motions".  It is one of those things that our brains simply cannot fathom.  If we know we don't actually feel that way then it feels like a lie.  And we truly do not like to lie. 

Many autistic people are brimming with empathy, but it seems when allistic people say we don't have empathy what they mean is that we don't display sympathy.  It is a conundrum, when we so easily read a lack of empathy in allistic people.  It's just another way we are misunderstood.

You Could Be Autistic...And Not Know

If you've read my first post, this title shouldn't surprise you.  If you're a person who was clinically diagnosed or self diagnosed late in life, past childhood, this title shouldn't surprise you.  For everyone else, here's why:

I reached middle age before I found out that I might be autistic.  Decades of my life passed, with me having no idea.  And I am not alone.

You could be autistic too.

There are tons of people with late diagnosis of autism.  Typically autism has been seen as occurring specifically in the male population.  So females have been passing under the radar for quite some time.  The thought is that we are better at masking, at mimicking, at blending in to society, so we go unnoticed in our autism.

But, and this is my own speculation, I don't think that females are the only ones good at masking.  I believe there are males that have gone undiagnosed because they also have skill in masking.  It's also possible there are males who grew up in families that simply saw them as difficult children and disciplined or ignored the behaviors.  Many autistic people display a combination and severity level of traits that is not quite as disruptive to everyday life, to education, and can even provide advantages in those areas.  You see, autism isn't screened in everyone.  It's only diagnosed when a child's behavior causes enough disturbance that they are brought to someone who will diagnose them.  In many cases, they can even be misdiagnosed as something else, like ODD or ADHD when it is actually, or also, autism.  So many kids, especially those from poor or abusive homes, will never be diagnosed.  If they're lucky, they'll figure it out as adults but there are large barriers to adult clinical diagnosis as well.  Psychiatrists may not be as well versed in diagnosing autism in anyone other than a male child who doesn't mask.  Everyone else can just wonder what's wrong with them all their lives until they figure it out or.... don't.

So yeah, you might be autistic.  If you've always felt different, have sensory sensitivities, have discomfort or difficulty in social situations especially eye contact and small talk, or you find yourself unable to keep still, frequently doing some sort of repetitive motion, it's worth looking further into it for yourself.

Here are links to some quizzes that can start to shed some light on the question.

This first one gives you a graph!  (Which I am clearly excited about)

https://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

https://exceptionalindividuals.com/candidates/neurodiversity-resources/neurodiversity-quizzes/autism-quiz-test/

https://www.wired.com/2001/12/aqtest/